Dear Minions of Hell,

Father Vinelli will be taking a sabbatical during the month of April to celebrate Easter. Substituting for him this month will be Jeffrey Dahmer.

Thank you so much for your patronage.

Sincerely,

Kelly Shaunnesy

Dear Kelly,

What you need to do is kill them both and eat their body parts.. A woman in your condition needs lots of protein in her diet and this way, you won’t have to worry about what to explain to anyone then….except maybe why you happen to have their heads in your freezer.

Peace Out,

Jeff

Dear Father Vinelli,

Today I went to the dentist. I opened the bathroom door and it wasn't locked but there was this girl on the pot. She's like 'umm, excuuuuse me' and I'm all in shock and so i just shut the door. It was really awkward in the waiting room when she came out. Well, I guess I didn't do anything wrong since I didn't lust her... but still it's good to get off of my chest.

Thanks, dude,

Duane Whiting

Dear Duane,

Maybe the reason you didn’t “lust her” is because you are gay. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Why don’t you come over to my place this evening and we can explore your possible latency. I have some ice cold beers in the fridge and I’ve saved the last Red Wings Hockey game on Tivo, we could have a real good time.

Peace Out,

Jeff

Dear Father Vinelli,

Seven years ago, I met the man of my dreams and was lucky enough to marry him. "Mike" is intelligent, caring, loving, witty, romantic and a great father. Every day he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful.

So what's the problem? Mike weighs 80 pounds more than he did when we met. I thank God for him every single day, but the "zing" is gone.

Don't get me wrong. We're still intimate, but I miss the "butterflies" I used to feel just looking at him. I am also worried about his health and the effect his eating habits have on our children. This has seriously damaged his self-esteem, too, and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

If life gets in the way, and intimacy goes by the wayside for a couple of weeks, Mike accuses me of purposely avoiding him, looking for someone new, never taking the initiative, etc. Father Vinelli, I love my husband. I've done everything I can to help him with his weight problem -- to no avail. In fact, if I mention it, he tells me saying something only makes it worse.

I take good care of my own health and try to teach the kids to do the same, even when they ask why Dad doesn't take care of his.

Am I being petty when I tell you I'd give anything to have my slimmer, sexier, healthier husband back? I miss his energy and confidence and the respect I had for him. Father Vinelli, are my feelings valid? Or should I just get over it and be happy with all of his good qualities?

Catherine Kerrigan

Dear Catherine,

I think you don’t seem to appreciate what you have: a nice, fat, juicy, tasty, delicious husband. I’d appreciate having someone like that around, I can assure you. Down here in Hell, the pickings are mighty slim. It seems like all Satan ever lets me do is gnaw on scrawny pedophiles and skanky mothers who murder their own children. Send hubby on down here and I promise to take a few pounds off of him.

Peace Out,

Jeff

Dear Father Vinelli,

Since you are a priest and experienced in dealing with bereavement, perhaps you can assist me with my quandary.

In our office we often send cards and gifts as a group to anyone who has a birthday, new baby, etc. Usually everyone signs the cards. We are a big department, so there are a lot of names.

What is the etiquette on group sympathy cards? Should everyone sign it, or is that too flippant? Should it read, "Your friends in the department"?

Karl Haussen

Dear Karl,

I think either suggestion’s good; the first one being of a slightly more personal nature. I think you should also send a casserole. I always send a casserole in times such as these. The people have no time to cook and they really seem to appreciate the gesture. I have some very delicious recipes I can send you if you like.

Peace Out,

Jeff