Welcome beautiful transvestites! I'm netherworld-reknowned Transvestite Fashion Consultant, Hairy Blackwell. Each week, I will feature one of YOU and provide the lucky one with the benefit of my stunning good taste in transvestite high fashion. Even if you're not featured, you can still pick up a few pointers on impeccable taste in the well-dressed transvestite this season. Stop yourself from committing some of the most notorius transvestite fashion no-no's by reading my column every month in The Netherworld News.

This month, Hairy will treat all you feminine fellows to something just a little different when he features a crossdresser of a different color... a woman dressed as a man. Although much rarer than the man dressed as a woman, the female to male crossdresser presents his own unique set of fashion problems that can end in disaster if one gets just a little too carried away with the artificial testosterone spray.

King of the Jungle, huh? You're enough to make Cheetah weep! You wouldn't know what a real man looks like if he cornered you in a dark alley and beat the living shit out of you, would you?

First of all, let's start with the hair... is that a mullet wig? Mullets are only popular in trailer parks and in the Wal-Mart clearance aisle, toss that thing away and get yourself a Flowbee for a perfect masculine look. Hairy's not sure what the hat is supposed to prove, but it's a little too frilly for the pool hall. How about a nice John Deere ball cap with used motor oil smeared liberally over the brim? Not only does it look manly, it also hides bed head hair so you only need shampoo once a week!

Hairy is very frightened by your facial hair, Tarzan. Although you've certainly got an ugly, masculine face, you've junked it up with an eyeliner pencil in a hideous shade of baby diarrhea brown. For realistic looking sideburns, mustache and van dyke, simply do a little trimming in your pubic region and attach the clippings to some double sided tape cut into the shapes you desire. The kinky, wirey, black hair will match your coloring much better and no one will be able to tell it's fake! As an added bonus, it smells just like your favorite food, pussy, and will tickle your nose delightfully when made into a mustache.

And while we're on the subject of body hair, where did you get that chest rug? Was Tacky Bathrooms & Co. having a sale on nylon bath rugs in ugly colors? Not all males have chest hair, and even fewer have collar bone rugs that stop at the base of the neck so abruptly. Put that thing out of it's misery and instead give yourself a nice spritzing with spray-on fabric glue and then groom your dog. The airborne pet hair will give you a light, natural pelt without overdoing it. You've done a lovely job on your armpit hair, dear, why it looks so real Hairy can practically smell the B.O. Did you grow it yourself?

What's up with the leopard print, off the shoulder top, dude? It looks like a woman's dress! You'll be ever so macho in a sweat-stained pocket t-shirt instead. Be sure to roll a pack of cigs into the arm, even if you don't smoke. Little touches mean a lot, and a baggy t-shirt will better hide your boobies!

I certainly cannot understand what the purpose of all the bracelets, armbands and fingerless gloves may be, unless your glove is studded with little nubbies for her pleasure. Men are not big on accessories and armbands are tres gay, unless you're Michael Jackson and demonstrating your solidarity with John Wayne Gacy. The only accessory a man needs is a watch on a wide leather bracelet and a trucker's wallet. Get yourself one!

Hairy's tip of the week: Masculinity is a destination, not a journey.