Jeniah, Netherworld's Horrorscope Ass-Trologist
Hey, Baby, What's Your Sign?
 | Aquarius:You'd best find a two-for-one sale on Lucky Charms this week, Aquarius. Your star-struck good luck isn't just a coincidence, it's due to actual Leprechaun magic in the moon and star shaped marshmallows! Eat hearty! |
 | Pisces:Apple Jacks is just a name, Pisces! Quit jacking off into your cereal bowl every morning. You're upsetting the dog and your feng shui is in tatters! |
 | Aries:Ahoy, matie! You will hit a submerged, un-charted volcano this week, Aries. I hope Capt'n Crunch has enough life boats on board for all your personalities! |
 | Taurus:Isn't it time to come out of the closet, Taurus and admit your Frosted Flake Fetish? Your refusal to grow up isn't seen as GRRRRRREAT! by the rest of society. |
 | Gemini:Constipation is in your chart this week, Gemini. Eat lots of Raisin Bran, Two Scoops!, to avoid impacting the space available in your ass for you to insert your head. |
 | Cancer:What a hideous and degenerate way to get your Kix, Cancer! Did you know that you can purchase your own box at the grocery store? Stop getting your Kix by robbing senior citizens! |
 | Leo:Just follow your nose, Leo, to the flavor of fruit. Don't be surprised to find yourself looking in the mirror when you find it. You are a Frootloop! Toucan Sam is going to peck out your eyes this week. |
 | Virgo:Puff, Puff, Co-Co Puff, Virgo. You will take a train trip this week with a crazy, sadistic, cuckoo-bird who is into scat. Munchey-crunchey, chocolatey! |
 | Libra:Are you hearing voices again, Libra? Your Rice Crispies are whispering that you're suffering from schizophrenia. But what do they know? They're all out to get you! Snap, Crackle and Pop are saying bad things about you in internet chat rooms. Make them stop!! |
 | Scorpio:See a counselor, Scorpio. You need to analyze those dreams where you continually misplace your Cookie Crisp in your 5th Grade Math Teacher's underwear drawer. There is an important message there which could change your life! |
 | Sagittarius:Grape Nuts aren't just for old people anymore, Sagittarius! It's not a just a reflection of your advanced years that causes you to eat them with prune juice. You actually like the taste! A happy bowel makes for a happy Sagittarius! You will enjoy many satisfying trips to the toilet this week! |
 | Capricorn:Silly Capricorn, Trix are for kids! Beware Fruity Rabbits tempting you to play bad, nasty trix on underage minors. That Fruity Rabbit used to be a Catholic Priest and his trix for kids aren't exactly legal. Convert to the Amish faith. |
Find out what Hell has in store for you! Detailed horrorscope, purgatory overview and 3 questions about your eternal damnation answered! Consult the mystical powers of Jeniah for your personal reading!
Personal Horrorscope Overview Request Form
Send Fan Mail to
Jeniah, Hell's Horrorsope Ass-Trologist
  |