Personal Horrorscope Reading Submission Form

Personal Horrorscope Reading Submission Form

Use this form to submit your request for a Personal Horrorscope Reading by Jeniah, Hell's Horrorscope Ass-trologer.

Living in a Dream World is Power!
I can give you the knowledge to live in a dream world of my creation. You have the power within you to design the made-up life you tell others you live. With the information in your Personal Horrorscope Reading, you will know your gullible and weak points. The choice of your life's direction will be mine! You will be able to pick the most inappropriate path for yourself.

Three Questions Answered!
Confused? You don't quite know what to do, what will happen or enough to come in out of the rain? You can get three questions answered in-depth regarding your personal damnation delivered via e-mail.

Personal Purgatory Prediction
With this Sin Chart reading, you will receive 15 to 20 words of personal after-life information. It is all about you. (A great informational gift for someone else too). This report includes all aspects of your eternal damnation. It shows you what Satan already has reserved for you and what you should work on. This report provides special purgatory combinations that make you uniquely evil. Best of all, it is written in indecipherable, ancient Sanscrit that no one can understand.

All free orders come with a free gift! I'll include a list of who else shares your sins throughout history and today. It's very entertaining and gives you something to look forward to in your eternity!

Order now! Be evil! Your future is in my Hands!
jeniah@netherworldnews.com
Hell's Horrorscope Ass-Trologist

Your eternal moniker?

How long have you suspected that you are eternally damned?

E-mail address you would like your personal horrorscope reading sent to?

I know I'm damned. I bow down on my knees and humbly request Jeniah to provide me with the following:
My Personal Horrorscope Reading
The answers to three questions regarding my personal damnation
My Sin Chart Reading & Personal Purgatory Predictions

If you're requesting your Personal Horrorscope, Jeniah needs to know the following about you. Don't worry, Jeniah is a professional! Check all that apply to you:
Bad Breath
I have rabid dogs somewhere in my family tree
I have pin worms
I haven't been able to get a date in over 2 years
My last sex partner had fur and a tail
I shower at least once a week, whether I need it or not
I'm a member of the Salvation Army Fashion of the Month Club
Dork
I am often caught scratching my ass in public by total strangers
Date of your eternal damnation:

If requesting the answers to three questions regarding your personal damnation, enter your questions in the area below. Remember, spelling and grammar count!

If you're requesting your Sin Chart Reading & Personal Purgatory Prediction, check all your sins below, even those you only fantasize about committing:
Homosexual thoughts (no matter how fleeting)
Tore "Do not remove under penalty of law" tag from item I purchased
I have had my finger up my nose to the second knuckle
Purient thoughts involving fruits or vegetables
Used public restroom and didn't bother washing my hands afterwards
Own clothing from the "Pretty Plus" Department
Little children are scared of my face
Masturbate more frequently than I have sex with another live being
I can recite the entire episode list for the original StarTrek show

DISCLAIMER: This entire website is pure and unadulterated satire, a parody of Hell's Corporate Newspaper (if such a thing exists). This is in no way implies that the featured souls are damned for all eternity, just like it doesn't guarantee them a spot inside the pearly gates. For Mephistopheles' sake, it's a JOKE, man! If you really want to contact Satan, don't bother writing me letters, just continue on with your present behavior, I'm sure he'll come to you. Every item appearing on this website is a work of FICTION. Any resemblance between characters portrayed on this website and actual, living humans is just a damned shame. I guess we all know where THEY'RE going when they die, don't we? Do NOT believe EVERYTHING you read with your two-digit IQ. You do? *sigh* I suppose someone has to keep the tabloids in business.