"It's very innocent, it's very sweet," said Jackson, when queried about the effect loud calliope music, spinning rides and caged animals may have on children from primitive villages without modern conveniences. "They will be awed to the point of speechlessness, and that's just where I want them", he continued.

Planned attractions for the park include the "Tower of Terror", where boys are dangled from a fourth story balcony with a blanket over their heads. The "Pornocopia" is a state-of-the-art 3D ride where "Barely Legal", "Over 50" and "Plumpers" porn flicks play continuously while riders, strapped to a vibrating bed, swoop and swirl about the theater. There's also a petting zoo with a twist: instead of the children doing the petting, they become the petted, as Jackson strokes and fondles them for hours on end. Not be missed is the Hairy Tongue Tunnel of Love, where riders must dodge thousands of mechanical tongues suspended from the ceiling of the ride tunnel, which attempt to lick their heads as they speed by.

But, the grandest attraction at BoyLand is undoubtedly it's giant rollercoaster, The Masturbator. As gaggles of overly excited boys wait in long lines that zig-zag back and forth like a maze in a giant warehouse, they are prepped for the ride by a series of televisions showing a 1970's 5th Grade Sex Education film strip that advises young boys to masturbate frequently lest they be forced into the raping of dogs. After an interminable wait, the boys don a pair of Michael's PJs and hop aboard The Masturbator. Hold onto your hats, boys, it's one hell of a ride!

There's also plenty of refreshments to be had at the park, and with an entire continent of children malnourished in body and soul to nuture, that means plenty of "Jesus Juice Julius" stands. The wine slushies served at "Jesus Juice Julius" are not only sweet and delicious, but also enriched with 7 vitamins and minerals as well as just a hint of Viagra and Scopolamine.

As darkness falls at the end of a busy day, park guests are invited to pitch a tent with Michael for the night, while their parents are escorted to the luxurious guest kennel quarters. There parents are treated to a complete spa experience and given plenty of hostess gifts, such as suitcases stuffed full of cash and expensive jewelry. It's better than a Disney cruise for Mom and Dad!


New Study Shows Carnivals Have Aphrodisiac Properties for Low Class Souls

Hell - A new study just released from Hell's Seven Deadly Sins Institute, Bureau of Lust, reveals that carnivals possess aphrodisiac properties for certain low-class individuals.

"During our study, we noticed that carnivals were heavily populated with scantily-clad teenaged girls, heavily made-up bar bags in spandex and middle-aged men dressed in cowboy boots and hats desperately trying to reclaim some of their youthful virility", said Eblis Moloch, Director of Prurient Pursuits. "I knew there had to be some lust inducing properties at work", he continued.

After an exhausting study of thousands of small town carnivals and county fairs throughout the United States, including interviews with attendees appearing particularly aroused, it was concluded that dirty, dangerous settings populated by dirty, dangerous employees AKA "carnys" are more powerful aphrodisiacs than old-fashioned Spanish Fly, a bushel of oysters or an entire crop of ginseng.

"Just thinking about a carnival and the dirty, illiterate, toothless workers who will try to sneak a peek up my mini-skirt on the Round Up gives me an orgasm!", enthused Kikki Dobbins, 14, when interviewed at the DixieLand Shopping Center Carnival. Kikki was wearing a thin tube top which kept slipping lower and lower as she bounced around in front of the "Pitch 'Till U Win" booth. "I'm not wearing panties!" she squealed as she bent over to pick up the baseballs she "accidentally" dropped. Booth operator Homer Hatfield avidly drank in the show, one hand moving furiously underneath the counter polishing his balls.

Kikki and many other dewy debutantes like her, were given IQ tests, as well as the Emily Post Etiquette Exam, and the results were quite revealing. Those who become aroused at carnivals uniformly possess an IQ below 100 and score in the "Boorish" range or below in the Etiquette Exam the study found.

Comparison studies were conducted on a random sampling of the general population, who were shown a series of carnival photos while hooked up to "HornOMeters", which measure sexual arousal. Those who became aroused at the first photo of a broken down ferris wheel with many burned out bulbs also became further aroused by pictures of fat, toothless, carnival workers, insect-infested cotton candy, goldfish in plastic bags, stringy-haired grannies with sagging breasts, filthy porta-johns and puke-coated ride cars.

Satan has called carnivals a much neglected method of temptation and has instituted a carnival renaissance in Hell. Government funding, training and assistance programs for carnival owners and operators will soon be available for all scum-sucking human garbage worldwide.


Satan's Minions Cause Havoc at Independence Day Gatherings

Hell - The Event-Ruining Minions of Satan have announced another successful summer season. Demand for their services has been running high as vacations and holiday celebrations have hit their peak. With Independence Day causing a three-day weekend this year, calls for minions to ruin the fun of hapless revelers far exceeded previous service demands.

Popular this year were "Bring Your Own Fireworks" minions, whose job consists of bringing along a big paper bag full of pyrotechnic goodies purchased from roadside stands to crowded municipal fireworks displays. Each minion is accompanied by a coterie of cretinous cherubs while they stomp their way into the geographical center of the sea of fireworks fans and spread out their blanket. As darkness descends, the BYOF minion and his pint-sized assistants treat all assembled to their own amateur hour as they launch fountains of sparks into the crowd. Ahh! Go ahead, breathe deeply, don't you just love that sulphurous scent? If you're lucky (and you know you are), the assistants will run through the crowd with lit sparklers, throwing them up so they can land in your hair (well, if your hair hasn't already been burned off by the shower of sparks).

Also popular were "The Wanderers", whose job it is to tromp through the crowd once the public fireworks display has begun. The wanderers always have very important errands, such as searching for their friends or looking for an unattended purse or backpack with which to abscond. Their most important duty, however, it to make sure that they get in the way of your view, especially if you arrived hours early to ensure that you got a prime viewing space. The wanderers are also the ones who keep the light up accessories highwaymen in business, purchasing plenty of light up yo-yos, jump ropes, headbands and plastic jewelry (right in the middle of the fireworks show, of course!).

No public gathering is complete without a lot of help from the "Desperate to Depart" minions, however. These are not to be confused with their closely-related counterparts, the "Me First" minion. While the Me Firsts are intent on being first in line at amusement parks, food service lines, public restrooms and show admissions, the Desperate to Departs have made it their mission to be the first one back on the road out of congested gatherings. They will run you over with their wagons and wheeled coolers as they race back to their car even before the finale has faded from the night sky. Don't tarry as you meander casually back to your parked vehicle or you risk having your toes run over by DTD minions already behind the wheel, attempting to drive through packed streets, lawns and sidewalks. Honk! HONK! The DTD minion has made it back to his car in record time, and don't you even think about proceeding calmly toward the exit lest you get in his way. A honking horn works wonders at clearing the way when hundreds of cars are lined up bumper to bumper and not moving. If the horn fails, the DTD minion will begin cursing gaily at anyone who even looks like they may get out before him. Whatever you do, never look him directly in the eye or refuse to yield to him, or you will probably end up getting your skull bashed in by a Fisher Price stroller when you necessitate DTD's exiting of his vehicle. Always allow a DTD the right-of-way, for your own safety.

Not exclusive only to fireworks displays, but busy as Hell this time of year, we would be remiss if we didn't mention the "Public Restroom Performance Artist" minion. This fun fellow has been decorating the rest room before your arrival. Ever push open a stall door to be greeted by a monstrous floating turd peering at you from the toilet? That's the work of a PRPA! They sometimes get carried away and not only do they leave a floater for your approval, but make the place even more festive by also smearing shit on the walls, toilet and floor. The female PRPA has a little more to work with, and you ladies can be treated to amazing menstrual blood finger paintings and artfully arranged maxipads brightening up your stall. Don't forget to leave a tip for the PRPA on your way out of the restroom!

Wherever you roam this summer, remember that the Event-Ruining Minions of Satan are already there waiting for you and working hard to ensure that you have a memorable time!