Poindexter Farfeghnugen, Hell's Matchmaker
Today could be your lucky day!!!
Will you meet your soul mate?
Let Poindexter negotiate a match from Hell for you!
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I Want to Sweep You Off Your Feet!
Hi! Tornado here. I'm currently searching high and low (mostly low) for the trailer of my dreams. If you're a single or double-wide mobile home who is at least 20 years old, let's meet for intimate encounters. My fantasy: I swoop down into your life and after a wirlwind courtship, I quickly strip you naked. You are putty in my arms. After I have ripped you apart, I discard you on your front lawn like so much broken junk. How about it? You know it's fate, we have a magnetic attraction that could only be called "Destiny". |
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Electrifying Personality!
Attention Golfers! Do you feel as attracted to me as I do to you? I feel myself mysteriously drawn time and again to those who play the game of golf. It's just something about the way they march tall and proud on wide, flat greens, and those shiney metal clubs they carry, OH! Be still my heart! If you love to play golf on a hot, humid afternoon under a bank of tall, puffy clouds, we're a perfect match! I will make the hair stand up on the back of your neck and have you tingling all over. If you are the Sam Snead type, it's long past time that we should be getting acquainted. I'll meet you on the 13th hole! |
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I Will Drown You in my Love!
Herro. I am young, powerful Tsunami and I feel so adrift without a mate. I am searching for a town of tiny Japanese people or perhaps a tiny Japanese man in a Godzilla suit with visible zipper in the back. I'm really not picky, I'll take just about anyone who crosses my path. If you're the one, I will whisk you away for a really fun afternoon of deep sea diving, swimming and snorkeling. After that, I will cradle you in my arms and drown you in my love forever and ever. If I'm the one for you, just scream shrilly and make no attempt to get out of my way. I'll be there in a jiffy! |
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Surprise Package!
Hi! I'm Chris. I'm looking for sex. No, you don't understand! I'm not looking to have sex, just find out which sex I am! Won't someone please help me out? All my life I've been confused about this. Even my parents were not sure when I was born, that's why they named me Chris! Do you know what it's like to be out in public and not know which restroom to use? I'm looking for someone who can be either a man or a woman, depending on what my needs may turn out to be once we hop in the sack. If you're looking for a humdinger of a blind date, I'm your... person! Don't you just love a surprise? |
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The Link You've Been Missing!
Oogh! Me Zog! Ughah! You woman! You come Zog's cave. Zog drag by hair. Comb Zog's eyebrow. Zog like eyebrow combed! Zog mount like mammoth. Zog say "Oogah! Ugh!". Zog tie up woman. Stay Zog's cave! Zog hunt! Zog invent wheel! Ride in new cart with Zog! Wenches jealous you! You want spin in Zog cart? Zog missing link! You miss Zog? Link to Zog! Now! |
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Tired of Plastic Relationships!
Ken is looking for a REAL woman. Tired of plastic relationships with plastic women, Ken is breaking out of the rich, perfect boyfriend mold where he's wasted the last 40 something years of his life. Ken is coming out with a new line of fashions for himself consisting of torn jeans, white pocket t-shirts and filthy ball caps. Ken is hoping his new look will turn him into a real man and he will finally grow a penis. Ken wants to treat women like chattel, live like a slob, visit porn shops and get bagged for DUI. If you're a naughty girl, Ken wants to be your boy-toy! |
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Looking for Love in all the Dhong Places Professional Scenic Vacation Photo Invader seeks American Bride. The hills are not alive with the sound of music, but the sound of guerillas gunning down Japanese tourists with box lunches and hideous smiles. If you are woman enough to rescue me, my name is Ngo Dhong. |
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Crazy for Your Love! Hi! I'm Freidrich Nietzsche. I'm a philosopher, poet, and classical philologist of existentialism. I've had a burning feeling in my loins for years and baby, only you can cure my itch! If you crave to sit for hours while I spew my dark thoughts and bright syphillis into your ripe psyche, give me a buzz. God is Dead. So am I. Are you? |
 | Intelligence is a turn on! Mr. Know-it-all Alex Trebek seeks perfect woman. If you know everything in the world and don't have to read it off cue cards, then you are the woman for me. So what if I say doolar instead of dollar, I'm a stupid Canadian. Tom Brokaw can't say the letter L either. FUCK YOU! Please make sure that your response to this ad is in the form of a question or you will be disqualified. Decision of the judges is final. |
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Are You My Mommy? Desperate, middle-aged dork trying to recapture my youth. Some guys buy expensive sports cars at a time like this, I can't afford one, so I blew my wad on a kewpie doll and tiny, tiny cowboy hat which I wear at a jaunty angle on my severely pointed head. I'm looking for the Mommy of my dreams. Ideal candidate likes to change diapers, breast feed and scold me when I'm naughty. My own mother rejected me last month when I suggested sitting on her lap and playing Trot, Trot to Boston. She's not a very nice Mommy! June Cleaver type a definite asset. Contact SecondChildhood via this website. |
 | Recipe for Rice Krispies Treats! Snap, Crackle and Pop are looking for the Girl of their dreams. Noisemaker a plus! These guys like it LOUD and rough. Rope restraints and rice pudding. Rolling pins make a great butt plug! If you agree and are a three input woman......call us! |
 | Give Hot Internet DJ a Spin! I'm so cool, I'll freeze you in your tracks! That's right, ladies, for a limited time only the most talented, impotent, Internet DJ is available to spin your tune! Does it give you shivers when I turn the voice synthesizer all the wayyyyyy doooowwwwwwwwn? How about when I can't maintain my erection? I'm looking for a spot on a second-rate, porn filled website where I can do my own show for an hour a week and be cool with the 13 year olds in the chat room. My last gig turned into a gag and now I'm desperate. Does anyone have room in their heart for a middle-aged wanna-be cool DJ? I work for free! |
 | Vice-President of Business Development Knows How You Feel Very feeling, homeless, jobless, homosexual, Vice-President of Business Development for trashy dot com is looking for his next trick. Do you have a thriving business that I can ruin with my lies and slutty, degrading behavior? Are you an old, frustrated, unattractive homosexual who needs a little spice in his sexual fantasy life? I will make your fantasies incredibly dirty while I ruin your business and drive away all your advertising revenue. My last sugar daddy went broke and now I'm out of a job. I have a Magic 8 ball and know how to use it to discern your thoughts and feelings. Give me a try.. will ya, huh? Will ya? |
 | Out-of-work Webmaster Searching for Pavel Korsakov Look-Alike Be my fantasy! Old, bald, ugly, former Webmaster with a bod like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz searching for hot, young, muscular stud with a resemblence to gay video star, Pavel Korsakov. I'm addicted to masturbation, in fact, I did it so much that my former website ended up destroyed while I was happily looking at gay porn and spanking the monkey instead of working. I have a spacious new home constructed from corrugated cardboard and a jug of water to share with that special someone these days. Could it be you? |
 | Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blind! Lonely Vote Counter needs a lady observer by his side. My eyes have bugged out from trying to decide if people actually attempted to vote for Al "I'm a Whore" Gore or if they were actually writing on their ballot in braille with the stylus. Soon I'll be blind and then reading the bumps on the ballots will be so much easier! If you're a Bush Woman or Helen Keller-type, then call me and we can feel each other's chads! |
